Being Gay Has Strengthened My Faith

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. – 2 Corinthians 4: 8-10

I am a stronger Christian because of my sexuality, though I haven’t always seen it that way.

From a very early age I knew that something was different about me, and it didn’t take long before I started feeling the effects of my differences. I quickly understood that I wasn’t going to fit in with the standards society sets for a man, so I had to learn how to deal with this knowledge. What this means is that all my life I’ve looked to God for acceptance and love rather than my peers, and only through this process have I learned to thrive in my relationship with Christ.

Growing up in evangelical America, the overall tone when speaking about homosexuality was that it was wrong. There wasn’t much discussion on the topic other than a quick word to condemn it. This negative atmosphere subconsciously taught me to hate myself because of my sexuality, which created a need to be validated in other areas of my life. I looked for commendation for my physical skills and overall behavior rather than acceptance of my true self. It wasn’t until I came out when I was eighteen that I thought I might be able to find acceptance in myself as a whole through Christ rather than people.

There have been a few times in my life I have turned away from God, and generally those periods of my life have been filled with hatred and hurt. My freshman year of college was one of the weakest points in my spiritual walk. I looked to someone I thought was my friend for acceptance, but I was only met with verbal abuse and a nagging feeling of worthlessness. It was the first time that I personally understood the power humanity has in its ability to tear someone down and strip them of their worth. Unfortunately for me, it took the hatred of humanity to drive me back to the love that I found in Christ.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done… Genesis 50:20

The reason that being gay makes me a better Christian is because it forces me to reconcile my faith with my actions. For many people it is easy to overlook their lives being directly dictated by the Bible, but LGBTQ people are forced into a heated debate that somehow along the way became a hot topic issue. Everyone wants to offer their opinions on what your sexuality means to your relationship with Christ. With so many voices whispering in your ear, it forces you to figure out for yourself what you believe. When it comes down to it, your faith is your personal relationship with Jesus Christ – this is where you will find your worth. While it is important not to forsake the body of believers, it is also important to make sure your faith is your own. We can look for strength from those who surround us, but their strength is fleeting. Personally, it is only  a foundation in Christ that has provided me with the hope I need. Christ Himself was an outcast, beaten and killed for who He was, but His blood was spilled so that we could find refuge from the hatred and evil of this world.

Often people remind each other that they shouldn’t try and find their worth in others. I found that especially true for those who have a harder time finding acceptance in this world. When LGBTQ people are being recorded being publicly raped and beaten, when a country signs in a law that will put LGBTQ in jail for life, when a church can stand more for hate than compassion – how can we find lasting love amongst these things? I couldn’t – I had to look outside the corporeal world for a love that could sustain me. In humanity I found despair, but in Christ I found the acceptance I was seeking. Through Him I have found the peace that sustains me.

Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses. – 2 Corinthians 6:4

The Silence Almost Killed Me

by Ethan Kilgore

How do you tell someone that you tried to commit suicide? There really is no natural way, is there? Well I did – I tried to kill myself. It was the end of my freshman year at Gordon and I had run out of all will to live. I came to Gordon hoping to find a safe and accepting atmosphere, but unfortunately that wasn’t what I immediately found. As a gay Christian, it felt like there was no place for me at this school. To be completely honest, some days it still feels that way.

I’ve been called a faggot, a flamer, and a diseased person during my time at Gordon. I have had someone refuse to hold my hand during a class activity because I was gay. I’ve witnessed a person spewing threats of violence against “faggots and flamers” in the dining hall, and I’ve been called disgusting for who I love. Please don’t think these are isolated incidents either; the sad thing is that things like this happen frequently to the gay community at Gordon. But you know what has hurt me the most? The people who stand silently and watch it happen. You see, it isn’t just “homophobes” who supply the adversity to the LGBTQIA+ at Gordon, it is the vast majority of people who stand silently by while their sisters and brothers are hurting. People are afraid of reaching out to the LGBTQIA+ community because it might look like they “support” certain political opinions or stances, so they remain silent.

It wasn’t the hate filled comments I’ve received that pushed me to try and commit suicide. It wasn’t differing political opinions or Biblical interpretations – it was a sharp silence and lack of compassion.

I want to shatter that silence.

At the end of my freshman year only a few people knew that I was gay. Slowly but surely I began the process of coming out. First I went to counseling to begin the healing process of my suicide attempt. Second, I built a foundation of friends who offered me support and love and I surrounded myself with them. Next, I wrote an article for the Vox Populi (a student publication) talking about what it was like being gay at Gordon. Now in my junior year, I met with Conor and told him my vision for a student blog that I wanted to launch, and thus Student InQUEERy was born. In some ways I guess you could say that this blog was a result of that terrible night at the end of my freshman year.

One of the most common misconceptions is that I struggle with my sexuality – I don’t. In fact my sexuality is one of the simplest things in my life – I’m into guys. What I do struggle with are the challenges that come with being gay in this society, and more specifically at Gordon College. When I’m at home with friends and family my sexuality isn’t a problem in the least – I feel safe and accepted. When I am at Gordon being gay is my biggest problem – I’m often reduced to my orientation.

I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of getting kicked out of school. I’m afraid of being beaten up. I’m afraid that there will be no end to the verbal abuse.

I’m afraid of being marginalized. I’m afraid that I’ll leave this college no safer a place for the LGBTQIA+ community than when I started. But most of all I’m terrified that someone will be driven to the same place I was the night I tried to kill myself. I’m afraid that people don’t understand – student’s lives are at stake. Gordon College is doing an amazing job at being a leader amongst Christian colleges. Why can’t we be a leader in LGBTQIA+ issues, as well?

If you take anything away from this, understand that silence is often just as harmful as hate. By choosing not to play a role, you’re playing a role. Never be afraid to show love – it’s something we all need to learn.

“Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.” ~Paulo Freire

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Ethan Kilgore is a junior Communications Arts and English major at Gordon College. He works as the team leader of Publicity for Campus Events Council. He’s also a minimalist.